A flash of insight
A moment of understanding
A glimpse of my inadequacies
In this moment I see
"a zoo of lusts
a bedlem of ambitions
a nursery of fears
a harem of fondled hatreds"
My name is Legion
For an instant
Righteousness appears to me
and all that I should be
and all that I am
And I understand
that I must sanctify this temple
There is something to be done
"No more nor less nor other than done"
There is a brick to be laid down
An anchor to be dropped
A battle to charge into
A victory to be siezed
Because my King has ordered it
And He has not afforded me the luxury of defeat
So I scribble on the mirror
and bless this place of cleansing and relief
I build up in my mind
A defense against all unholiness
And with clumsy steps in the deep, deep dark
I proceed cheerfully
To the city on the hill
Thursday, May 12, 2011
A View on the Way to the CRC Bus Stop
Two rows of trees
lined up perfectly
Suggest pillars of an imaginary hall
Down the concrete path
a set of stairs leads down to the flood level
Further on
and on either side
There are more trees
some stripped bare of foliage
some green all year
and some blossoming
All surrounded by concrete
and well-watered and well-mowed grass
Out past the entrance
and the road
There is a field
with green grass
and some flowers
here and there
Only a few buildings can be seen
in that direction
Of course
on the left
There is the valley's make-believe metropolis
and on the the right
There's the cramped town called
Elk Grove
But nonetheless
out there in the distance
in that place that was so unimaginably far away
before the train and the automobile
Where the sky touches the earth
There are the mountains
topped with that mysterious white dust
And filled up with that ancient holiness
Just like the plains
The old grasslands
that are almost a desert sometimes
and are still there
and always will be
Even if they are hidden
by the cities and roads and farms and sprinklers
But they are no holier
than the thousands that have built
this artificial landscape
It is really a miracle to pass so many in any given day
and a tragedy that we think nothing of it
They are just as mismatched as the fields and pavement
People of all races and creeds from every corner of the globe
all caught up in this weird, chaotic game called civilization
It is a blessing that my classmate wears a turban
because if he were too like me on the outised
how could I grasp just how strange and alien he really is?
It is a blessing to have a Muslim for a classmate
because if I never came so close to him
how could I understand how similar we are?
crap
The bus is already here
lined up perfectly
Suggest pillars of an imaginary hall
Down the concrete path
a set of stairs leads down to the flood level
Further on
and on either side
There are more trees
some stripped bare of foliage
some green all year
and some blossoming
All surrounded by concrete
and well-watered and well-mowed grass
Out past the entrance
and the road
There is a field
with green grass
and some flowers
here and there
Only a few buildings can be seen
in that direction
Of course
on the left
There is the valley's make-believe metropolis
and on the the right
There's the cramped town called
Elk Grove
But nonetheless
out there in the distance
in that place that was so unimaginably far away
before the train and the automobile
Where the sky touches the earth
There are the mountains
topped with that mysterious white dust
And filled up with that ancient holiness
Just like the plains
The old grasslands
that are almost a desert sometimes
and are still there
and always will be
Even if they are hidden
by the cities and roads and farms and sprinklers
But they are no holier
than the thousands that have built
this artificial landscape
It is really a miracle to pass so many in any given day
and a tragedy that we think nothing of it
They are just as mismatched as the fields and pavement
People of all races and creeds from every corner of the globe
all caught up in this weird, chaotic game called civilization
It is a blessing that my classmate wears a turban
because if he were too like me on the outised
how could I grasp just how strange and alien he really is?
It is a blessing to have a Muslim for a classmate
because if I never came so close to him
how could I understand how similar we are?
crap
The bus is already here
Frustrations of an Unpublished Writer
I'm eager
impatient even
I want to get out there
I want to get out of here
It's cramped in this room
with papers scattered across the floor
piled up in mountainous heaps
with the course of my pacings
worn deep into the floor
This is the landscape of my imaginings and reasoning
and frustrations
and late-at-night procrastination
A dozen projects wait patiently
for my wandering attention
They plead silently for theirs lives
awaiting my decision
or confirmed forgetfulness
They wait to be completed
or to be edited with second and third and fourth thoughts
their paragraphs shifted and cut up and stretched in every conceivable way
their theses reconsidered and reconstructed
They fear to be hopelessly flawed
to be the products of misinformation or a passing fancy
or a bloated ego trying to impress or shock anyone who takes the time to read him
which is hopefully no one
Outlines are stacked over at the corner of the desk
one for each mess of letters cluttered around the room
and then some
This one has seen a thousand revisions
each informed by a new discovery or epiphany or scholar
yet only two chapters are actually written
This other one has been turned over and studied and delighted each day in my mind
but not so much as a sentence of it has actually been written
This one is almost complete
the whole thing's been written out
but it needs to be rewritten at least once more
and it is perhaps too grand
It's broad and complex and that's why I was able to fnish it
and that's also why it can't be the first one published
This one was an afterthought
but it might not be so bad
I was planning on essays
treatises and the like
I wanted to write theology
and delve openly and thoroughly
into the deepest questions of eternity
and humanity
and morality
Then I was hit over the head
with an unwritten novel
and then struck again for good measure
So I started to write a story
and made plans
So He struck against my skull once more
with a few poets this time
and wrecked my plans once more
I want to get out there
I want to break out of this room
this cramped little space
with it's paper mountains
and well-worn valleys
But not yet
No matter how eager I am
It's just not time yet
So I'll wait
And when He says it's time
I'll look up and see
that the walls fell over
Do You Believe
Do you believe
in your heart of hearts
In a God that loves infinitely
and knows you by name
and crafted all the world
and has a path prepared for you
and died on the Cross for a world that hated Him?
When you can testify
but there doesn't seem to be a single shadow
where hostility isn't lurking
Do you believe that you are on the side
of the One who was and is and is to come?
When everything is fan-frickin-tastic
and there's no end to your angry mumbles
Do you believe that you have been baptised
in the blood of Love Himself?
Do you believe
in the midst of soul-numbing luxury
in the midst of groans and rolling eyes
when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed
in your heart of hearts
In the great I AM
with as much conviction and ease
as you believe in the sky and the earth
and every jumble of atoms in between?
Do you believe that
if He really wanted it
that mountain jump into the Pacific?
I don't
My heart of hearts is a jumble
of nonsense and truth
and that infernal unreason doesn't budge easily
But I want to believe
I want the faith that can move mountains
and turn the world upside down
It takes a risk
it takes a step out of the "normal" life
It takes a jump into the insecure
You have to be ready
to look like an idiot
to stand out in the rain
lost and without so much as a dime
to let go of everything and everyone
to feel let down
That's what it takes
to trust
to pray
to believe
And if you don't spend a night
in cold, humiliating insecurity
Either that night is on its way
or your not doing it right
Here's the cliff
Are you ready to jump?
Out Into the Nothing
I indulge once more
I give into the old craving
into the habit
the addiction
I reach up again
and grab another fruit
I pick another and another
I tear at them
gnaw and rip and gulp
Soon I'm only taking a bite each
I toss the rest to the ground
Then I don't take even one bite
Absentmindedly, I pick them and drop them
I gossip on
not caring in the least about the subject
My eyes peruse the women in the streets
flitting from one to another with each passing second
I mentally label my little corner of the world
without even any serious vanity
I curse and blaspheme constantly
but show no hint of amusement at those taken aback
The party is done with
now I'm just sprawled out on the couch
A slow death creeping through me
Passionate evil subsides
Convention takes over
A neat, black tie makes it hard to breathe
A suit limits my movements
I march and march and march
Under the trees I used to take so gleefully from
my hands rise and absently swat at those worthless treasures
Through the forest where I danced in pagan revelries
the wildest of shrines no longer interest me
Into the grave
where I feel neither relief nor fear nor pain
The dirt floor gives way
I tumble down, down, down
out of all light
away from all that is whole
I tumble into the farthest reaches of oblivion
out into the Nothing
In the end
I did neither what I ought
nor what I liked
I give into the old craving
into the habit
the addiction
I reach up again
and grab another fruit
I pick another and another
I tear at them
gnaw and rip and gulp
Soon I'm only taking a bite each
I toss the rest to the ground
Then I don't take even one bite
Absentmindedly, I pick them and drop them
I gossip on
not caring in the least about the subject
My eyes peruse the women in the streets
flitting from one to another with each passing second
I mentally label my little corner of the world
without even any serious vanity
I curse and blaspheme constantly
but show no hint of amusement at those taken aback
The party is done with
now I'm just sprawled out on the couch
A slow death creeping through me
Passionate evil subsides
Convention takes over
A neat, black tie makes it hard to breathe
A suit limits my movements
I march and march and march
Under the trees I used to take so gleefully from
my hands rise and absently swat at those worthless treasures
Through the forest where I danced in pagan revelries
the wildest of shrines no longer interest me
Into the grave
where I feel neither relief nor fear nor pain
The dirt floor gives way
I tumble down, down, down
out of all light
away from all that is whole
I tumble into the farthest reaches of oblivion
out into the Nothing
In the end
I did neither what I ought
nor what I liked
Decency
Decency
What a kind word
What a civilized word
What a shallow word
It is a word worth all the gold in the world
but not a single tear
It is worth years of teachings and work
and everything required to be a proper, normal person
but it is not worth one second of courage
It is the lifeblood of empires
and it is the poison of souls
It is comfortable
It is polite
It is accepted
and it is nothing like righteousness
It was decent men that burned babies for Moloch
It was decent people that owned slaves
It was decent people that fueled Hitler's empire
It was decent people that nailed Messiah to the Cross
We're all living in a glass city
We've all got fire and water
an inferno and a flood
just barely held back
And decency is what holds it all back
There's a wild storm out there
a whole world of hot and cold
But decency keeps the room comfortable
it keeps us lukewarm
At least the overwhelming darkness is honest
At least the cacophonous noise doesn't pretend to be soothing
But that shadow is a liar
That murmured confusion is a scam
The masquerade is more sinister than the orgy
Fire the gun
break the ceasefire
Swing the hammer
shatter the glass
Preach the doctrine
in both word and action
That is more righteous
more radical
more powerful
than any other
Let's see this city of hypocrites
this kingdom of snobbery and fashion
this fortress of gossip and vanity and self-satisfaction
fall to pieces
Slice
Burn
Tear your way through
that paper world
and underneath
you'll find righteousness
and holiness
and heavenly glory
but most importantly
You'll find Him
What a kind word
What a civilized word
What a shallow word
It is a word worth all the gold in the world
but not a single tear
It is worth years of teachings and work
and everything required to be a proper, normal person
but it is not worth one second of courage
It is the lifeblood of empires
and it is the poison of souls
It is comfortable
It is polite
It is accepted
and it is nothing like righteousness
It was decent men that burned babies for Moloch
It was decent people that owned slaves
It was decent people that fueled Hitler's empire
It was decent people that nailed Messiah to the Cross
We're all living in a glass city
We've all got fire and water
an inferno and a flood
just barely held back
And decency is what holds it all back
There's a wild storm out there
a whole world of hot and cold
But decency keeps the room comfortable
it keeps us lukewarm
At least the overwhelming darkness is honest
At least the cacophonous noise doesn't pretend to be soothing
But that shadow is a liar
That murmured confusion is a scam
The masquerade is more sinister than the orgy
Fire the gun
break the ceasefire
Swing the hammer
shatter the glass
Preach the doctrine
in both word and action
That is more righteous
more radical
more powerful
than any other
Let's see this city of hypocrites
this kingdom of snobbery and fashion
this fortress of gossip and vanity and self-satisfaction
fall to pieces
Slice
Burn
Tear your way through
that paper world
and underneath
you'll find righteousness
and holiness
and heavenly glory
but most importantly
You'll find Him
Revelations
The Revelation of the Self
I think therefore I am
I am
I am
I am what?
I am a bundle of thoughts
that's stupid
emotions then
that's also stupid
I don't know what I am
I'm not like anything else
I'm not like a rock
and if I'm like a rock I'm not like a computer either
that's just a really complicated rock
I'm not part of nature
I'm not a number either
or a logical law
or a principle
or a thought or feeling
or a fact about something that happened or is happening
Those are all supernatural
But none of them are me
I see all these other things like me
They're called Selves
people
I don't know what we are
But I know we're important
more important than a rock at least
The Revelation of Moral Law
I am important
It is wrong to hurt me
or something like me
What is Wrong?
What is this other thing?
It is like Wrong
like Wrong just as I am not like a rock
But it is very different from wrong
like a rock is different from a tree
What is right?
What is good?
It is a principle
It's like numbers
or logical laws
Right is like how an idea follows a premise
And Wrong is like how another idea doesn't
I can't get away from Right and Wrong
I say Right and Wrong are not important
And the very use of the word "important" validates them
Without them nothing is important
Without them there is no such word as important
The Revelation of Beauty
I am starting to like Right
I think it is... something
It has some quality
Right has something that I like
Something that I like more than pleasure
Right is Beautiful
The Revelation of Meaning
Somehow it's not enough
No, that's not it
Somehow it is enough
but I can't understand why
I have this picture of it all
and something is missing from it
Without it the painting is not important
It is called Meaning
It is eternal
It is beautiful
It is intended
It is what makes everything important
I can see it now
It's a plan
But I don't know it
The Revelation of Good
Right is something else that I like
something besides Beauty
Even Beauty is something else that I like
Meaning comes from and is something else that I like
They all have that quality
And that quality
that thing that Meaning comes from
is not itself without them all
I think I know it now
They are Good
The Revelation of God
I can hear the echoes
I can see it all coming together
I can't see how it could come together without this
without Him
I can't find anything in nature that is important
not like how I'm important
Down here all of Good is about me
and those like me
Down here Good is all about the Self
But there's something more
There's something up there that we are all about
There's another Self
He made me
He made me important
He made me Good
The Revelation of the Fall
But I am not Good
not anymore
I am not Beautiful
I have been cut out of Meaning
I am Wrong
I do Wrong
But I am still important
I can't stop being important
And the more important I am
The worse all this Wrongness is
I am very bad
I am full of shame
go away
The Revelation of Love
I LOVE YOU
It comes again and again
the echo of His voice
It keeps me out of the Nothing
just barely
I LOVE YOU
It is getting stronger each time
I have to cover my ears
They hurt from His voice
I LOVE YOU
It gets louder still
I'm angry
I hate Him for making me
I hate Him for making everything
I hate Him for not leaving
I hate Him for caring
I LOVE YOU
He's here now
I have to hide
I have to find a darker place
I have to stop caring
I could stop it if He would
maybe if I hated Him a bit more
I LOVE YOU
SHUT UP!!!
Here's the rock that was never important
and the wood
and the steel
You never made them matter
Why do I have to matter?
Why do I have to be important?
Do you care about them too?
Is that why you never gave them this curse?
Get out of that body!
Stop laughing at me
with that mouth you made me
Stop crying for me
with those tears you crafted
That body was made for something important
but not important enough
It wasn't made for something as important as you
something that couldn't leave the light
So get out of this filth and dark
I LOVE YOU
If you won't leave I'll force you
I wasn't joking
I'll use this rock and wood and steel
that were never important enough to be bad
See how your blood flows
just like mine
Go away already
We leave when our blood flows this much
when our bodies hurt and break that much
They lose their little shadow of Meaning
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU
SHUT UP ALREADY!!!
...
That thing isn't important anymore
Hide it
in case He tries to come back
...
I LOVE YOU
NOW DRINK MY BLOOD
AND EAT MY FLESH
AND TELL EVERYONE ELSE
HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM
I love you too...
I always loved you
I was always so scared
I've been so alone
and so cold...
I love you
I've been looking for you
and hiding from you
I LOVE YOU!!!!
These are the Revelations
of Wisdom
of the Story of Humanity
of God
Against each Revelation
all human wealth
and might
and cleverness
are irrelevant
So we bury them in nonsense
and routine
and ignorance
But when they stir in us
All the power of the world cannot seal them away
No mountain is high enough that they cannot reach it
No valley is low enough to escape their notice
Because they are revealed by the One
that they are all about
They will topple nations
turn heroes into cowards
and cowards into heroes
and crooks into saints
They wise rejoice in them
and the dealers in earthly wisdom despair in them
When they breach the surface
and puncture that scab of confusion and business
the world is renewed
And its prince howls
in fury and agony and fear
Are you afraid?
The person that you are will not survive
The self that you are will be rid of him for good
And you will be made new
I think therefore I am
I am
I am
I am what?
I am a bundle of thoughts
that's stupid
emotions then
that's also stupid
I don't know what I am
I'm not like anything else
I'm not like a rock
and if I'm like a rock I'm not like a computer either
that's just a really complicated rock
I'm not part of nature
I'm not a number either
or a logical law
or a principle
or a thought or feeling
or a fact about something that happened or is happening
Those are all supernatural
But none of them are me
I see all these other things like me
They're called Selves
people
I don't know what we are
But I know we're important
more important than a rock at least
The Revelation of Moral Law
I am important
It is wrong to hurt me
or something like me
What is Wrong?
What is this other thing?
It is like Wrong
like Wrong just as I am not like a rock
But it is very different from wrong
like a rock is different from a tree
What is right?
What is good?
It is a principle
It's like numbers
or logical laws
Right is like how an idea follows a premise
And Wrong is like how another idea doesn't
I can't get away from Right and Wrong
I say Right and Wrong are not important
And the very use of the word "important" validates them
Without them nothing is important
Without them there is no such word as important
The Revelation of Beauty
I am starting to like Right
I think it is... something
It has some quality
Right has something that I like
Something that I like more than pleasure
Right is Beautiful
The Revelation of Meaning
Somehow it's not enough
No, that's not it
Somehow it is enough
but I can't understand why
I have this picture of it all
and something is missing from it
Without it the painting is not important
It is called Meaning
It is eternal
It is beautiful
It is intended
It is what makes everything important
I can see it now
It's a plan
But I don't know it
The Revelation of Good
Right is something else that I like
something besides Beauty
Even Beauty is something else that I like
Meaning comes from and is something else that I like
They all have that quality
And that quality
that thing that Meaning comes from
is not itself without them all
I think I know it now
They are Good
The Revelation of God
I can hear the echoes
I can see it all coming together
I can't see how it could come together without this
without Him
I can't find anything in nature that is important
not like how I'm important
Down here all of Good is about me
and those like me
Down here Good is all about the Self
But there's something more
There's something up there that we are all about
There's another Self
He made me
He made me important
He made me Good
The Revelation of the Fall
But I am not Good
not anymore
I am not Beautiful
I have been cut out of Meaning
I am Wrong
I do Wrong
But I am still important
I can't stop being important
And the more important I am
The worse all this Wrongness is
I am very bad
I am full of shame
go away
The Revelation of Love
I LOVE YOU
It comes again and again
the echo of His voice
It keeps me out of the Nothing
just barely
I LOVE YOU
It is getting stronger each time
I have to cover my ears
They hurt from His voice
I LOVE YOU
It gets louder still
I'm angry
I hate Him for making me
I hate Him for making everything
I hate Him for not leaving
I hate Him for caring
I LOVE YOU
He's here now
I have to hide
I have to find a darker place
I have to stop caring
I could stop it if He would
maybe if I hated Him a bit more
I LOVE YOU
SHUT UP!!!
Here's the rock that was never important
and the wood
and the steel
You never made them matter
Why do I have to matter?
Why do I have to be important?
Do you care about them too?
Is that why you never gave them this curse?
Get out of that body!
Stop laughing at me
with that mouth you made me
Stop crying for me
with those tears you crafted
That body was made for something important
but not important enough
It wasn't made for something as important as you
something that couldn't leave the light
So get out of this filth and dark
I LOVE YOU
If you won't leave I'll force you
I wasn't joking
I'll use this rock and wood and steel
that were never important enough to be bad
See how your blood flows
just like mine
Go away already
We leave when our blood flows this much
when our bodies hurt and break that much
They lose their little shadow of Meaning
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU
SHUT UP ALREADY!!!
...
That thing isn't important anymore
Hide it
in case He tries to come back
...
I LOVE YOU
NOW DRINK MY BLOOD
AND EAT MY FLESH
AND TELL EVERYONE ELSE
HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM
I love you too...
I always loved you
I was always so scared
I've been so alone
and so cold...
I love you
I've been looking for you
and hiding from you
I LOVE YOU!!!!
These are the Revelations
of Wisdom
of the Story of Humanity
of God
Against each Revelation
all human wealth
and might
and cleverness
are irrelevant
So we bury them in nonsense
and routine
and ignorance
But when they stir in us
All the power of the world cannot seal them away
No mountain is high enough that they cannot reach it
No valley is low enough to escape their notice
Because they are revealed by the One
that they are all about
They will topple nations
turn heroes into cowards
and cowards into heroes
and crooks into saints
They wise rejoice in them
and the dealers in earthly wisdom despair in them
When they breach the surface
and puncture that scab of confusion and business
the world is renewed
And its prince howls
in fury and agony and fear
Are you afraid?
The person that you are will not survive
The self that you are will be rid of him for good
And you will be made new
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