Three Weeks

I've been waiting
For something
A verse
A sign
A feeling
Anything
Anything to let me know
That I am not alone

Everything's going gray
The monuments still stand
But I've forgotten what they mean
I reread the message
And find no flaw
No sign of deception
But I still think
That it's a bad joke

I look around
And I'm scared
I see the sands
And the feeble things that thrive in them
I see them and I shake with idolatrous fear
Trembling before them
As if they had authority
Even as I recall the stones
And remember where they are buried
I think to take off my shoes
To sift the sands with my toes
Until I feel the rocks underneath
But I don't bother

It's all coming back
Every little sin
Every last temptation
They're all rushing back
And I can't stop them
I don't even want to

I'm ready to drop it
I've been waiting for three weeks
Holding on to this message
I've asked in faith
And seen nothing
I'm ready to throw it aside
Call it a bout of lunacy
Or call it nothing it all
And just pretend it never happened
I know that I've been here before
I've seen it all before
The same old sham
And I can't give any reason
Why this time should be any different
Why the raucous whispers
Should be telling anything but lies
But I'm buying into them anyway
I'm ready to desert my King for them

Then comes the light
The glory
The terrible, wonderful messenger
The servant of the Lord Most High
I trembled
And dead skin is shaken off
His words are like honey on my tongue
They always were
Even if I could not taste them
Or would not

I asked
And He answered
With power and love
He wiped all else away
And left me overflowing again

Sleeping and Waking

Dreaming in one hour
Waking in another
But which is which?

I find myself
In the midst of angels
The whole of Creation
Is all lit up with heavenly light
There is joy
Boldness
Love

Then I am in normalcy
The horizon is blocked from view
By the thousand little things
And all I am
Is fixed on the everyday
The routine
The minute troubles
Of the common struggle

I dwell in the towering city
The land of today and tomorrow
And in the electric light of hallways
I see the life of the spirit
The story of souls and scriptures and prayers
To be a fantasy
A flight from reality
Hours of denial and daydreams
Which it is not wise to make sacrifices for

I find myself in the mountains
The place of hope and terror and joy
Caught up in a rush of life
I look to the city
And shout
"Lies! Lies!"
That is only a veil
To be at any moment
Ripped aside
It has never been anything
But a medium
For the matters of eternity

I float at the surface
Between sleeping and waking
Looking to find
Just what is real
And what is false
In my mind I already know
But my heart feigns ignorance
Clinging to the things of comfort
I can only pray for the strength to let go
And wake to the world of the great I AM

The Testimony of the Thief

I saw Him preaching one day
He said He had come for the lost
He said He would bring new life
And some cold, bitter part of me broke
I was flooded
Overcome
For a moment
Everything that had been me for as long as I could remember
Was delightfully destroyed
By this Man of Galilee

Then I ran
I pulled back
In hate
And fear
And pride
I fled to dark corners
To darker deeds
To anything that could drown out
That terrible light
I smothered its memory
In sins and distractions of every kind
Until they lead me to my execution

He was there too
The One I had been so desperate to escape
Beaten and brutalized
As if my every hateful thought against Him
Had been dealt to His body
As if after every theft
I had carried an ounce of His flesh away
In addition to all my other prizes

All my other hopes were dashed
All my illusions had crumbled away
So I let the last of my burdens drop
A little too late
And asked
Only that He would remember me
And He said what I had feared to hear
All my life

"You will be with Me in paradise"

There was something in His voice
An agonizing gurgling sound
Which I realized
In the midst of both our torment
Was a laugh

I heard it all
In that one sentence
In that painful laugh
I heard how He had watched me
How He had made me
How I had broken His heart
How if He had not been so contorted
Had His body not been so stretched and ripped
He would have grinned and giggled
Would have embraced me
And lifted me into the air
I heard how He would love me forever
And I would never be apart from Him ever again

The Whirlwind

One moment a gentle breeze
The next moment a hurricane
One night I am dwelling in the glory of the Lord
The very next day I'm drowning in normalcy
All it takes is an extra-long essay
A good manga manga
A bit of attention
A lethargic urge
And I turn back to disobedience

His Word is my anchor
By knowledge I am held firm
But a thousand arguments turn against me
By days end they shall be proven frauds
Like all the others before them
Fallacies and lies
But still I sway and stumble

I find myself in obedience
After a week of urging
And constant reluctance
And in a moment
My pride steps in
To spoil all my offerings
When I am on my own
Even my acts of righteousness end in destruction

My very best is not good enough.
It is inadequate
But the El-Shaddai is my King

Is it Enough?

So you say you're not ready
You're too afraid
Too weak
Too uneducated
It's a mistake
He can't be calling you
Surely He meant ten years
Not just one

Then tell me
Before I lose control
And kill you where you stand
By what name
And by whose blood
Were you saved?

Heaven's Beloved
Came into an unclean world
In an unfit body
Endured scoffers
And faithless followers
Was beaten
And disgraced
Was tortured
Was even killed
All for your sake

So answer me
Without excuses
Face the issue
Without disguise
Is it enough?

The Chain of Sin

One of the most complaints against Christianity is directed against the doctrine that we are all depraved and unable to become righteous before God by our own efforts. One might point out the many apparently righteous people throughout history, but it is more common to simply claim that the average person is not "evil" and appeal to the idea that the moral standard which we call "decency" should be enough. In order to explain why our human goodness is insufficient, it is important to understand the nature of sin.

In the Old Testament, great importance was placed on ceremonial cleanliness. To be disabled, sick, or maimed was to be contaminated with the physical mark of the Fall, and to touch anyone or anything that was ceremonially unclean was to be infected with that same mark. From a cultural standpoint, the Israelites were commanded to completely wipe out the Canaanites for the same reason, and when they failed to do so they were infected with idolatry, witchcraft, and infant sacrifice. This is because it is logically impossible for there to ever be a compromise between righteousness and sin; they can only meet each other in war.

Imagine that there are three apples. The first apple is a normal, ripe apple that is perfectly good to eat; the second one is brown and wrinkled; and the third one is shriveled up and black, not fit to even be in the same room with. While we can all agree that the third apple is more rotten than the second one, that does not make the second one good to eat. We might eat the second apple anyway if we are in a famine, just as we settle for decency under the conditions of a fallen world, but it is insane to think that we would do anything except to throw it out in times of health and prosperity. In other words, the second apple is not nearly as rotten as the third one, but that does not change the fact that it is rotten. For the first apple to be healthy and ripe, it must have certain very specific qualities, but for it to be rotten all it needs is to be lacking in any one of these qualities (though if it is lacking in one it is almost impossible for it not to be lacking in another).

It's the same way with sin. Someone who shoplifts once on a whim or dare may not be "as much of a thief" in one sense as a professional burglar, but if you are simply asking a yes or no question of "is that man a thief", then the answer for both the shoplifter and the burglar is "yes." The thing that matters to the buyer is not how close an apple is to a state of absolute rottenness, but rather whether or not it is healthy. Likewise, if we are to earn our way to Heaven then the thing that matters to God is not how close we are to a state of absolute sin, but rather whether or not we are righteous. Once again, there is no compromise, no middle ground, between good and evil any more than there is a round square or a shadow which stretches toward the light that casts it. It is logically impossible. If Heaven and Hell are to meet, it must be on the battlefield.

In addition to this there also tends to be a downward spiral that emerges out of sin. In my own experience, I have seen this in procrastination where the act of putting of an assignment increases my anxiety towards it either because of fear from the increased difficulty of the same work with less time, shame at having put it off, or some combination of the two. This may also manifest in a general feeling of lethargy or depression which leads a person to choose to skip a given activity with the result that the feeling continues to grow and solidify whether the activity was of a social or dutiful nature. Once we have entered these cycles, we can only get out with the help of an outside force such as a person who might motivate us, a deadline which sets an absolute standard beyond our ability to fight, or sometimes even a simple change in circumstances such the weather or finances. In the absence of such outside influences, or at least the absence of sufficiently strong influences, we simply continue on and on until we are destroyed. When the Bible tells us that "the wages of sin is death" it is not telling us about an arbitrary mandate which God could change if He wanted to; it is simply giving us a plain description of the basic essence of sin.

There is a problem here. If we are to escape not only the sinful cycles of procrastination and drugs and hatred, but the sinful chains of the entire fallen world, then the power by which we are saved must come from outside that same world. Friends are not enough. Family is not enough. Prisons are not enough. Even wisdom is not enough. Only the indwelling presence of God is enough to break this chain.

When the prophets and the priests touched that which was unclean, they themselves became unclean. The mere reflection of Goodness which dwelt in them was not enough to overcome the infection of sin. But there was one man unlike all others. Phillip Yancey once noted that in the story of Jesus the old pattern is reversed. When that Man of Galilee went out among the lepers, the adulterers, the tax collectors, the Gentiles it was the unclean that were transformed. As vessels of righteousness we had been fighting a losing battle from the very start, but now Righteousness Himself was entering the battlefield and where He went the infernal hosts begged for mercy. And He has gone past it. The King of Heaven charged all the way into the fortress of the Sheol.

There is a new wind blowing in from Jerusalem, and a trembling in the world. The line is broken. The wall is breached. The chain is rattling and breaking in places, unable to restrain the things of Eden that are coming back to life.

The Celestial Charge

I saw an angel
Named Sorrow
Who shone like all the stars
With gleaming white skin
And silver hair

In her hands she grasped a sword
Forged from the bones of Abel
The remains of the golden calves
And the treasures of the kings of Israel and Judah
It cut the air
Not with a whistle
But with a song
Taken from a Galilean mountain
She called the song Conviction
And the blade she called Despair


I saw an angel
Called Terror
With wings of flame
And eyes like the ocean depths

In one hand he held a shofar
That bellowed like thunder
And in the other he clutched a whip
As fierce and bright as lightning
The shofar had sounded when Moses returned to Egypt
It had announced the births of the prophets
And had called Babylon out against the Israelites
The whip had driven Lucifer from Heaven
It had been sent as a gift to Elijah
And had struck the money changers at the Temple
It was in the light that brought Saul to his knees


I saw an angel
Whose name was Joy
With a form like a child
And wings colored like the dawn
And a woolen tunic covered in dirt
And a ring shaped from a cherry blossom

In one hand was a bloody rag
Which she called Grace
In the other was a jar of honey
Which she called Glory or Delight


Sorrow glided down
Impossibly fast
On a gentle breeze
The idols fell to dust at her approach
She came upon a feast of Baal
And cut down the shadowy lords of the dance
And scattered the celebrants
She came upon an emperor
Who lit torches to obscure the sun
And built monuments
To distract from the mountains
With one stroke
She made of his empire
A mere ruin

Terror descended
In a raging storm
He sounded his horn
And stacked bricks tumbled down
Unable to contain their resonating song
His whip lashed out
And profane lips fell to kiss the earth
Wherever he went
That which was mild
Became fierce
That which was safe
Became dangerous

Together
The two made war
Against every human heart

Joy went down to earth
Following after her parents
They went before her
To break the crooked things
And she came after
To make them straight
When Despair cut away every illusion
She emerged to show the one true hope
After Terror brought men to their knees
Joy gave them a new strength to lift the weight of their inheritance
On the foundations of palaces that could not stand against her parents
She built strongholds for her King
To voices robbed of nonsense and boasts
She gave a new song of love

When Sorrow had pierced my heart
And Terror broke the pillar of my pride
And the two turned to fight relentlessly
Against the Enemy of my soul
She made me to taste
of the Delight of the Lord