Three Weeks

I've been waiting
For something
A verse
A sign
A feeling
Anything
Anything to let me know
That I am not alone

Everything's going gray
The monuments still stand
But I've forgotten what they mean
I reread the message
And find no flaw
No sign of deception
But I still think
That it's a bad joke

I look around
And I'm scared
I see the sands
And the feeble things that thrive in them
I see them and I shake with idolatrous fear
Trembling before them
As if they had authority
Even as I recall the stones
And remember where they are buried
I think to take off my shoes
To sift the sands with my toes
Until I feel the rocks underneath
But I don't bother

It's all coming back
Every little sin
Every last temptation
They're all rushing back
And I can't stop them
I don't even want to

I'm ready to drop it
I've been waiting for three weeks
Holding on to this message
I've asked in faith
And seen nothing
I'm ready to throw it aside
Call it a bout of lunacy
Or call it nothing it all
And just pretend it never happened
I know that I've been here before
I've seen it all before
The same old sham
And I can't give any reason
Why this time should be any different
Why the raucous whispers
Should be telling anything but lies
But I'm buying into them anyway
I'm ready to desert my King for them

Then comes the light
The glory
The terrible, wonderful messenger
The servant of the Lord Most High
I trembled
And dead skin is shaken off
His words are like honey on my tongue
They always were
Even if I could not taste them
Or would not

I asked
And He answered
With power and love
He wiped all else away
And left me overflowing again

Sleeping and Waking

Dreaming in one hour
Waking in another
But which is which?

I find myself
In the midst of angels
The whole of Creation
Is all lit up with heavenly light
There is joy
Boldness
Love

Then I am in normalcy
The horizon is blocked from view
By the thousand little things
And all I am
Is fixed on the everyday
The routine
The minute troubles
Of the common struggle

I dwell in the towering city
The land of today and tomorrow
And in the electric light of hallways
I see the life of the spirit
The story of souls and scriptures and prayers
To be a fantasy
A flight from reality
Hours of denial and daydreams
Which it is not wise to make sacrifices for

I find myself in the mountains
The place of hope and terror and joy
Caught up in a rush of life
I look to the city
And shout
"Lies! Lies!"
That is only a veil
To be at any moment
Ripped aside
It has never been anything
But a medium
For the matters of eternity

I float at the surface
Between sleeping and waking
Looking to find
Just what is real
And what is false
In my mind I already know
But my heart feigns ignorance
Clinging to the things of comfort
I can only pray for the strength to let go
And wake to the world of the great I AM

The Testimony of the Thief

I saw Him preaching one day
He said He had come for the lost
He said He would bring new life
And some cold, bitter part of me broke
I was flooded
Overcome
For a moment
Everything that had been me for as long as I could remember
Was delightfully destroyed
By this Man of Galilee

Then I ran
I pulled back
In hate
And fear
And pride
I fled to dark corners
To darker deeds
To anything that could drown out
That terrible light
I smothered its memory
In sins and distractions of every kind
Until they lead me to my execution

He was there too
The One I had been so desperate to escape
Beaten and brutalized
As if my every hateful thought against Him
Had been dealt to His body
As if after every theft
I had carried an ounce of His flesh away
In addition to all my other prizes

All my other hopes were dashed
All my illusions had crumbled away
So I let the last of my burdens drop
A little too late
And asked
Only that He would remember me
And He said what I had feared to hear
All my life

"You will be with Me in paradise"

There was something in His voice
An agonizing gurgling sound
Which I realized
In the midst of both our torment
Was a laugh

I heard it all
In that one sentence
In that painful laugh
I heard how He had watched me
How He had made me
How I had broken His heart
How if He had not been so contorted
Had His body not been so stretched and ripped
He would have grinned and giggled
Would have embraced me
And lifted me into the air
I heard how He would love me forever
And I would never be apart from Him ever again

The Whirlwind

One moment a gentle breeze
The next moment a hurricane
One night I am dwelling in the glory of the Lord
The very next day I'm drowning in normalcy
All it takes is an extra-long essay
A good manga manga
A bit of attention
A lethargic urge
And I turn back to disobedience

His Word is my anchor
By knowledge I am held firm
But a thousand arguments turn against me
By days end they shall be proven frauds
Like all the others before them
Fallacies and lies
But still I sway and stumble

I find myself in obedience
After a week of urging
And constant reluctance
And in a moment
My pride steps in
To spoil all my offerings
When I am on my own
Even my acts of righteousness end in destruction

My very best is not good enough.
It is inadequate
But the El-Shaddai is my King