A Thanks For Stumbling Blocks

Praise to the Lord
The Holy One of Israel
Who has made me weak

I was of fortunate birth
With a robust mind
And a tall frame
I could have been anything

But my Father is wiser than that
He gave me flaws to match my strengths
He saw the idol I might have built
And took a knife to the wet clay
Slicing at imagined tendons
Carving away the smug grin
He saw my own Tower of Babel
And contaminated all the bricks
Tweaked all my mathematics
And sent storms to bring it down
He did it at the beginning
And He has done it again and again
Whenever I was foolish enough
To resume the work

I have walked the steady descent to Hell
More times than I can count
And each time I was turned back
It could have been easier
I could have gone farther
But He put a knot in my gut
And gave my feet a clumsy gait
He made a procrastinator
Who fears crowds and offices
And struggles with small talk
He gave me vices and weaknesses
And sacred stumbling blocks
To save me from myself

So praise Adonai
For those little moments
When I can't help but see my wickedness
When I'm heading to Gehenna's gates
And He knocks the wind out of me
Throws me to my knees
And waits to receive my prayers

Thank God
That I am not the me I could have been
The one that climbed the mountain
Of mortal ambition
And, finding it empty,
Died of starvation
And praise the I Am also
That I am not the other one
That never felt temptation
Because there's a glory that's only seen
When you've been knocked senseless
Struck down in the middle of evil deeds
And, out of nowhere, made to kneel
That's when you get it
The sight of the Cross
The glorious, fearful, powerful, costly Cross

I can almost hear it sometimes
Echoing from the coming ages
I hear a moment resonating
Perfectly in tune with just one line
Sometimes I think I'm dancing to it
That song that I will sing
Loud and giddy and full of life
Before all the angels and all the Church
When I stand before my beloved King
And sing the story of my life

It's costly, like all glorious things
The price is the sum of all my flaws
If I had been given a choice
I probably wouldn't have made the exchange
I am too foolish and afraid
But it was never my choice
And thank the Lord for that
Because I was made to sing that song

Disharmony

There should be tears
There should be a rush of feelings
I should be impassioned
I should be overwhelmed
So why am I so cold?

I hear myself laugh
I consider my expressions
My murmurs and nods
Are they real?
Am I faking it?
Putting up a facade?
Am I simply playing the part
Of the person I think I should be?
Do I read the moment like a script
And select the proper mask?
I don't know...

But I do know one thing
I know the inquisitor is too loud
If the laugh is true, it is due to the subject
It is because my attention is outside myself
Of course it turns hollow when the inquisitor comes
When I turn away from the bright thing outside
To the dim view of my own passions
My skeptic tells me my smile is false
But the skeptic is a fraud

Perhaps the laugh was fake
Maybe the worship was not genuine
But if it was real, I find the same thing
The real mountains become cardboard cutouts
The roaring fire becomes painted lightbulbs
The inquisitor is a destroyer
A debunker who blots out the sun
And then asks why the plants are all withered

I stand surrounded by life abundant
The wonders of Creation shining bright
The glory of the Creator, my Beloved, all around
Waiting to be breathed in
If I could sit still
If I could forget myself
I could take that breath
But my mind wanders
And I pass the Glory by
Ignorant

I watch a sunrise
And in an instant I spoil it
By thinking about the watching

I am all out of place
With my mind and will at war
With every aspect of my being
Disjointed and uneasy

But this is my hope
That is broken thing
Will be made whole
That the patchwork heart
Will be made one
That I will forget myself
And then remember joy

But until then I act
If I am inattentive in prayer
I pray for my inattention
If my mind grows impatient
And wanders from its object
Let my dutiful hands stay the course
My mind will return to them again
If only out of boredom